Understanding Haters and Their Thinking

Have you ever been in a new place and you felt like you have already made enemies by merely showing your face? Have you ever felt some people hate you when all they know about you is just your name? Do people just pick on you for no apparent reason(s)? Have you ever wondered if something is wrong with you or with everyone else?

Fear not! You ain’t the only one in that boat. We are many! Yes, WE!!! You read that right. Of course, that’s the motivation behind this article. I write to share my personal experience and opinion hoping to help others going through similar issues with an expository on my thoughts.

I have continually fallen victim of some sinister and rather silly opinions of many people who felt irritated at my presence around them. This often happens when I newly join a group or any voluntary organization. Almost instantly, I notice a set of persons whose countenances boldly reads, “We feel disturbed by your presence here, you are so not welcome, as such”. My very then shallow self would attribute such cases to some diabolic forces that were bent on making life unbearable for me, and have therefore sent their agents in human form to carry out that same task to the letter. Don’t laugh please! Of course, I now know better than to waste my energy begging the HolyGhost to send down His enormous fire to consume those imaginary forces.

Proper understanding of the human “mentalo-kinetics –if there exists any field of study like that—has made things clearer to me. In as much as I have the understanding that we all crave for what others have but appear to be beyond our reach,  I have also come to realize that just like many other animal species, humans are simply territorial in nature. We tend to compete for everything …food, space, mates, resources, affection, self-importance, and no-less importantly; dominance. Therefore, any threat, real or imagined must be shown who really owns the ground. This is not rocket science (I guess), a little understanding of BIO 101 is what is needed to comprehend the extent to which animals can go to protect their territory …and all therein.

The explanation is simple: every one of us carries a certain level of grace concerning some virtues. For some, it could be beauty, charming presence, making money, body carriage, humor, good health etc. Reason why some ugly babes get settled down to a blissful marital life while the “hawt” ones are still being experimented with like lab rats should explain my point better. (And if you don’t know the grace you carry by now, OYO is your case). Therefore, it’s not hard to imagine why people who do not carry the grace that you do would feel threatened, envious and disgusted with your presence around them. More so, when you are coming to invade their territory with the virtues they do not, would never and can never have.

There are also this different set of people who go the extra mile of doing the thankless job …judging you from your looks. They do not know anything about you, not even your name but they simply form an opinion in their warped minds as to who and what you “should” be. The irony in this phenomenon is that (if not all) most of us engage in this. However, some go on with that misinformed opinion and make erroneous judgment and consequently, relating with you based on that. It could be very surprising, if not totally irritating for you to be regarded as pompous and proud because you chose not to interact with certain type of persons or considered a flirt because you relate freely with everyone irrespective of age, gender or marital status.  Just take the pain to ask your friends and acquaintances what they thought of you before you guys became real pals, you’ll be surprised.

I would like to share a personal experience which happened during my graduate studies at the University of Ibadan, Nigeria. I fortuitously happened to stay at the PGHall which I really enjoyed anyway. I met and made so many good friends majorly due to the fact that I was heavily involved in the hall sporting activities. I had over time had cause to notice a lady who always carried herself with so much elegance and grace; you would probably think she’s made from egg shells or some other fragile materials. I admired that a lot and trust me; yours truly made efforts to be her friend and I succeeded in doing just that. Then one beautiful Sunday afternoon, we met at the PG Christian fellowship and with the curious look on her face, one would swear down she just saw a ghost.

“So your type can attend church?” she said to me almost accusingly. I was dumbfounded. What part of me pointed to atheism? I couldn’t tell as well.

“Why would anyone, you in particular think I’m not the church type?” I retorted.

“Well, you appear to be the worldly, secular and proud kind of guy”. She replied without batting an eyelid. “No one can imagine you’d know the direction to the nearest church around you”.

“Really?”, either I was angry or curious; I was too confused to identify which.

“Yes! You are everywhere always and appear to know all the girls in this hall. Anyway, I’m glad we are friends now and so good to know you can attend church”. 

For how long I stood there with my mouth wide open, only a stopwatch could tell. I wasn’t pained as much as I was surprised at her confession. Then I realized the major issue: so many more out there have judged my personality from afar from their perception of my character which could be easily formed at every encounter –some opinions could inform deadly decisions remember. Too bad I didn’t have the opportunity to change everyone’s mind. Though her pre-friendship opinion was seemingly harmless, it could sometimes manifest in dangerous dimensions on very critical occasions. Lord, have mercy!

I once asked a lady why she was conspicuously absent at the choir ministration in a particular church. “I have chosen to serve God in another way”, she shrugged a reply. Upon further prodding, she explained how the big guns in the choir, including the choir-master found it a favorable past-time to pick on her.  It appeared they were always itching to crucify her whenever she misses a beat or sing out of tune. Also, her presence at rehearsals was never acknowledged as much as her absence would be riotously noticed. With her explanation, I could easily understand her predicament. Some people were too irritated by her personality and would breathe easier if only she could just disappear. Of course, I empathized with her tormentors: for them, it is a bitter pill to swallow seeing her young self adorning the latest fashion accessories. Their verdict: she simply overdresses!!! And don’t forget she always (attempt to) speak Queen’s English. She couldn’t just but threaten some negative, retrogressive never-do-well who also happened to wield enormous power within the group.  Remember what I said about virtues?

Opo oro o k’agbon! Too many words can never fill a basket. There is no end to various instances of how our comfortable opinions lead to misinformed judgment about others. And I repeat, it’s so natural of us humans to form opinions about others without knowing what or who they really are. What I think is unnatural is when you do not make efforts to know them before judging and relating with them based on such. Please note the two different keywords; opinion and judgment.

If you find yourself engaging in any of the following, please understand that you need help …and fast!

1. you suffer from inferiority complex or low self-esteem with which you try to infect others around you,
2. you feel threatened whenever you meet people better at something than you. Rather, you should see this as an opportunity to learn from them and not as a declaration of war,
3. you tend to cover up your inadequacies and weaknesses with some authoritarian tendencies or by bullying those under you who show signs of brilliance,
4. you find it hard of nearly impossible to take to correction from others –particularly those whom you see as “smaller” than you,
5.   you find it easy and convenient to criticize and judge others before getting to understand their plight,
6.    if pulling others down brings you happiness and temporary comfort,
7.   you envy others for what they have –more so when they are things you apparently cannot afford,
8.   you find happiness in the misfortune of others,
9.  you find your unbridled tongue controlling you …it should be the other way round, and
10.  your guts are full of bile, bitterness and negativity.

Personally, I have developed my emotions to the point of enjoying the discomfort these people bring upon themselves whenever their fits of irritation start with my presence. Nowadays, if I get to a group and there appears to be no such people there, I find everything boring; that’s not to say that I don’t enjoy the company of positive and upward people.